Julia.

A few weeks ago as I was walking to work I ran into Julia.

I wasn't sure it was her, but I didn't want to stare.

All of a sudden I heard a loud noise, I turned around and there she was.

I never expected to see her again, you never really expect something like this.

I couldn't move, I couldn't talk. All I could do was stand there, staring at this grey haired, crazy looking lady.

All I could think of, was the Cambridge Hospital. Those 10 days that changed my life, and how I viewed it.

I remember her, I remember talking to her, I remember wondering why it was that she was there, deep down, I thought I knew why, but you are never sure, why someone is in the hospital.

Asking won't get you anywhere, its confidential, and many people lie; no one wants to tell the truth of why they are there. No one wants to feel vulnerable. I look back and I felt the same way.

Going back to Julia, I think she changed the way I looked at myself and how I felt about being manic-depressive.

It might have been in her state of mind or whatever medication she was on, actually there are many factors that can play in here. The only thing I know is, that she changed me.

The night I arrived, I was given medication and was put to sleep. I remember waking up, laying in the twin bed they assigned me to, thinking:

Is my mom really here or did the staff at the hospital lie to me to get me to calm down, if she is here did she feed drake, how is drake, what am I going to do without him, what is he going to do without me?

Then I was told to get up, go to the nurse station, eat breakfast and shower.

As I walked to the nurse station there she was--Julia.

Walking around talking to herself, in all black, her black-greyish hair standing up looking like a halloween wig.

I wondered why she was there. I wondered if she was schizophrenic, I wonder if she was bi-polar. None of my questions were answered.

Later on I was walking to the arts center with another girl, according to what she told me, she was suicidal.

Anyways, as we walked, there she came, Julia, asking us if we wanted her to read our hands and tell us what our future had in store for us.

I said yes and we sat with her, she told me some weird prediction and left.

She told me, that one day I would be free from my disorder and I would not be scared of it anymore.

A few days later, as I walking back to my room she came up to me and in a hurried tone said

" The government is after us. we need to go, run its not safe here, don't let them stop you, if they find you they will take your penis away" I looked at her and responded,

Julia I am a girl not a boy, so I don't think they are after me."

For the next few days I heard the same thing, over and over again.

Back to the park scene:

As I stood there she finally spoke.

"Andrea... Thats your name right? Andrea... Yes, I told you, your future, I told you that the government was after you."

All I could respond was "Yes. Yes."

I started to back up and tried to walk away, but I couldn't. I couldn't move. I couldn't get my feet to work.

Standing there still, as I stood there, listening to her as she told me I needed to move to Texas and never return to where I was. She mumbled a few more sentences and finally told me to run to the airport.

Finally. Finally my feet decided to work, I turned around. As I walked away tears started to run down my face.

I was scared. Not of her but of life. I don't want to end up like Julia.

As I walked a short memory played in my mind. Reminding me where I was a year and a half ago. What floor and room I was in the Hospital Paitilla and how after 2 long months I was back in my room, recovering from everything that had happened in the last 8 months.

Julia seeing you that day changed everything. It made me realize that in your own world, you said something that changed my life.

Thanks.

Casey Vs World

Thousands of immigrants risk their lives daily to have the life that each citizen in our country take for granted. The question is, if all these families believe that the United States is such a better country then theirs, how is it possible for a guilty women, to walk out as an innocent.

was

Even though the jury that was assigned to this case decided that, Casey Anthony was found non guilty of second degree murder for her child, Caylee Anthony, I, along with millions of people all over the world, would agree that she did commit the act of murdering her own child.

Millions of parents would agree, that if they found their child, who drowned in their above-ground pool would report it the the authorities immediately. Unless you have something to hide, If Casey Anthony was really innocent, not only would she report the case but she would also have no reason deny the fact that her daughter had gone missing.

After 8 long weeks that this case was given, millions were devastated to find out that she was found non guilty, even though they say that by lying to the police Casey Anthony will have some jail time.

Now we face another problem, many agree that it would be inhumane to make money regarding your child's death, while other would say that she has the right to use the publicity that this case has generated.

I would agree not.

We have people out their that say that as a guilty women she will have a hard time living with neighbors that do not agree with the juries decision.

Lets see what happens. I would never wish death upon someone unless karma has a way to get back at them.

FUCKING. MR.C

In life we have two goals.

One grow up as fast as we can in order to accomplish the second one.

As the years go by and we jump from phase to phase our minds grow older and want different things.

When we were little we wanted to be old to play with other toys. The moment toys left our mind we thought about growing up, wearing what we wanted and doing what we liked.

So of course when I was 16 the only thing that mattered to me was partying with my friends and getting drunk.

There was one thing that no one knew. A hidden secrete I carried with me; the possibility of attending Yale University just like Rory Gilmore did in Gilmore Girls. I didn't want to be a writer, what I wanted was to be a Psychologist. I wanted to understand the way the human mind works. I think in some way or another everyone that is studying Psychology wishes that at some point.

Of course my grades weren't what I wish they would and life passes and that secrete was buried deeper and deeper.

Until senior came and I couldn't wait to graduate and go off to college.

I wanted to go to FAU and major in psychology and at some point go Pre Med and be a Psychiatrist. In that vision I also saw myself in a sorority.

Now I did accomplish one thing; I am in a sorority. Everything else, well lets just say everything else went down the drain.

I went back home and a year later I was in Le Cordon Bleu, Boston, and I couldn't be happier.

As time went by I realized something, that hidden secrete was still there and it wanted to come out. I still want to attend Yale, and ironically be a writer. I want to write about everything and anything; I want to be a food critic.

Plain and simple I want to write, its become something that helps me breath. I feel as if I can't breath and the minute my hands touch the key board air comes into my lungs and I can take a deep breath and write.

Untill Thursday June 16, 2011.

I was told that I am the worst writer in the world. That I was the worst candidate for that field. That I had no determination. That I had no skill and that it would be a waste of money. I felt as if someone took their hand and punched me as hard as they could. I just sat there hearing him tell me all of these things. Telling me how much I suck and basically telling me that I will not accomplish anything in life.

Well Mr. Fuck You.

I will prove you wrong and I hope you get fucking fired. Le Cordon Bleu just should not pay teachers to yell at their students and basically say they are incapable of doing anything with their lives. I am paying 42,000 for this. I am paying 42,000 to be yelled at and be told that I am stupid.

I hope your wrong. Actually no you are wrong. I will accomplish what I want. I will become a successful food critic and I will be able to write about everything including food.

grain of sand

I feel empty inside.

I feel like there is nothing inside me.

The way I look has taken everything out of me.

The way I look has changed everything.

The way I look has changed me.

I wish I could say that I am stronger than that. That I'm not like every other girl in this world that feels like this.

But I'm not. I'm not stronger. It worst though. Its not the same. I've always felt like this but now. Now I hate going out. I hate looking at clothes I hate watching girls walk around. I hate everything right now. I'm not happy with anything. Nothing can change this.

I try. I try and say I'm going to diet. I try and I tell myself that I will exercise and I will lose weight and I will be pretty. But deep down. Deep down I know it will never happen. Deep down I know that I won't be happy. Deep down. Everything is clear. Clear and black.

This feeling won't ever go away.

As time passes I feel like It getting farther and farther away.

Its all over. My friends are gone. Yeah I talk to them and we make plans to see each other. It doesn't happen time has passed and we made new friends and these new friends have taken away the old ones. At least thats how I feel.

Then I look out and I see that it only applies to me. I am the only one with this feeling. The only that feels as if everything was taken away from. There isn't any part of me that is happy with how I am. I can try but nothing changes. im fat. im ugly. i have no friends. im alone all the time. all i do is cry. i hate going to school. i dread it when I have to shower and get ready. it sucks.

its not depression. trust me i know what thats like. this isnt that. this is the new life that was given to me. thanks asshole for changing everything. you did a great fucking job. thanks for breaking down my life and turning it into this. for breaking me. the truth and only reason of why i went to florida. the only reason i didnt go to the other schools i was accepted to. i did it all for you and then what. you turn out to prove everyone right. you aren't a dad. your just a grain of sand that was part of my life. and now. now you dont exist. now i can truly blame everything on you. because thanks to you. im the way I am.

2012 and graduation can't you hurry the fuck up

I feel like my last few blogs have all been depressing.

The last few days all end the same.

With tears coming down my eyes and not knowing what to do to make myself feel better.

For some reason the last few days I keep thinking that it would be nice to move to another state and start all over again. Obviously I would stay in Le Cordon Bleu but I would just finish somewhere else.

It wouldn't mean that I would be given up on school, it would just giving up in Boston.

I've been here since November and I feel the same way. Alone and sad. Yes when the snow was here I felt a lot better. Snow makes everything magical.

The question is.. what do I do when there is no snow.

What do I do now that theres sun. They say sun brings out the happiness in people.

Not me. The sun brings me sadness. The last 2 months haven't been the best. I don't feel like doing anything.

Now for the next 6 weeks it will be even worse.

No cooking. No knife kit. Just cost control and english.

At first I thought, I can transfer my credits and then just take cost control but I was told no.

No.

Thats all.

Just no.

I hate this. I hate the way I look. I hate that I'm fat. I hate that all I do is sit here. All I do sit here and cry. Watch tv or movies. Is this really what my life has come to.

Being alone and depending on the tv or my laptop.

Yes, drake makes me happy and entertains me, but he doesn't fill the hole that I have.

Unfortunately he can't fix everything that is wrong with me.

What the hell am I going to do for the next year and some months of my life.

sitting.

I know its a cliche.

Feeling like your alone in a crowded place.

Wanting to talk to someone but don't know who.

Want to say something but you don't know how.

Wanting to say something and your words are lost and all you can do is sit there.

Sit there and cry.

Not knowing why you have tears dripping down your face.

Right now.

RIght now I'm sitting not knowing what to do.

Should I just go to sleep and wake up tomorrow and see how I feel then.

Or should I stay up and watch tv or a movie and still feel this way.

The problem with life is--There isn't a magic ball that you can see through and decide what idea is better.

So what should I do.

Sit in the dark.

Sit with the light on.

The brightness of the room isn't going to change anything.

It would be nice if it did.

If the light was on and it made you happy then you would know what to do when your down.

What about the darkness.

What does the darkness bring to us.

What attracts us to this dark side.

Weather its the color, the night. Or whatever else you can associate with dark.

No matter how advance our life gets and how much power there is in this world.

Our moods will never be altered and predicted.

We are just supposed to sit here and wait for the next thing to happen.

What am I waiting for?

This might sounds stupid but I want to know what happens in 90210 on monday and when will amy finally have sex with ricky again in secrete life.

Lets see how I feel tomorrow.

Thanks.

I keep writing and deleting. Not knowing what to say. Or even what to think.

My eyes are filled with tears and I can't find a way to make them stop running down my face.

I'm not sad, I'm just lost. Lost and have no idea where to turn. Or even who to turn to.

Blogger is here. Here to listen. Here to read. Here to not judge and plainly here for me.

Since I graduated high school, I feel like my life has taken twirls around the world and back not knowing where to go.

The only thing in my life that I knew I was good at--Cooking. No matter what it is or where I am food and me have a relationship that cannot be broken.

It took me a long time to realized that I should cook for a living. I have always thought that being on foodnetwork would be my goal in life. Slowly my goals are drifting from what I thought I wanted.

Now.

The one thing I know I don't want to do, is be a slave in a kitchen for the rest of my life.

Which is contradicting since I am going to Culinary School.

The beauty of what Dr. John Levine has taught me is that I can be whoever I want and do whatever I need.

He has slowly shown me that there is more to me than what you see.

Yes I am stubborn. I get irritated easily. I have no patience. I have many flaws. I have always been aware of that. I have always been aware of everything I have hated about myself. Or what I wanted to change. What I wasn't aware of, was the fact that there is more to me than just food and the bossy person I am.

The girl that only wanted plan chivas and trips in high school. that thought about partying more than school. that is only a small part of me.

What I didn't know was that I have a very philosophical way of thinking. That I have many problems with our government. That I don't agree with the amount of money that the us spends on foreign aid. That in my opinion the supreme court has no heart.

With all of this I have come to a few conclusions.

I am not the girl I was in Balboa Academy or the girl in Florida Atlantic University,

I am the girl that will graduate from Le Cordon Bleu in 2012. The girl that wants to live in a small town in Connecticut. Someone that wants to have a small inn in essex, Connecticut. That will be successful.

Who wants to be a freelance writer, not only for food magazines but online and news papers.

So next year when i graduate and I have the big tall hat also known as a chef hat, I will get in my soon to be car and drive with drake to my soon to be home and start the next chapter in my life.

In between now and then. I plan to see my 2 best friends. To see my mom and brother as often as possible. To continue to have my tia jessica and abue in my life. To have drake by my side everyday and night.

And. To be healthy and happy.

Yes there are other things I want.

Today. Today I felt really special.

When Chef Cheffeti was giving out our grades and started talking about how much everyone has improved. He used me as an example. Telling the class--That not only my knife skills have improved but that my plating has too. Then. Then everyone started clapping.

I am finally happy with my life.

Today. Today was a good day.

Tomorrow.

Tomorrow we will see.